After looking at the sweepstake guide for the Cheltenham Festival 2017 we thought that the racing silks weren’t quite cutting the mustard. Eventually they are going to get bored of them with the same designs and colours over and over again so we decided to have a look at ways that we could improve the way the horses look.
We asked people to tell us what their ideal horse looked like and we tried to recreate each one for them:
Devvo, 31, Doncaster
Devvo envisaged his horse to be a mirror image of himself and because of that we’re unsure this idea will ever get picked up, but it’s too hilarious not to share. He first specified that it’s got to “deffo have a Burberry hat, init” and on top of that is “gotta have some bling” in the shape of a gold dollar chain (why dollars anyway? You’re from Doncaster!). Along with all that he said it’s got to have some “sick creps” (I thought that meant pancakes?) and a horseshoe tattoo because “it is a horse, init, ya d*ckhead”. You’d probably get better odds on gold cup betting than this choice coming in.
Joey, 26, Essex
It took us quite a while to find out exactly what Joey wanted as he’s not the most gifted in the vocabulary department but his specifications were once again in honour of himself (noticing a theme here?). Joey’s first request was that this horse needed to be draped in “the freshest garms” available starting with the shoes. Joey chose a bright green brogue style shoe for his horse along with a matching bow-tie. Classis. To finish the whole thing off we were also requested to include a massive gold statement watch. Something tells me that this one isn’t going to work.
Zara, 35, Cheltenham
Being the first lady on this list you would expect Zara to have glammed her horse up to the max with lip fillers, fakes nails, a fake tan and a garish frock but you’d be mistaken, Zara is a real lady. The only suggestion she made to us was for all horses running to wear a similar hat or fascinator as the ladies wear around the track. Whilst this does look absolutely ridiculous this simple idea could actually catch on, if horse racing rules didn’t prohibit it.
Michael, 84, London
Michael is a proper London geezer and a man’s man but is also pushing on a bit in his old age and may have gone slightly senile and gone a bit too far with this one. Firstly, a flat cap was requested along with a wooden pipe (filled with real woodbines), a tie (yes, a tie) and a smart pair of shoes. Whilst we’re sure this look would look blinding on good ol’ Michael there’s pretty much no chance you’ll ever see a horse run a race while puffing on a pipe.